Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh