Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
i think both sides are to blame here
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…