The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Florida be like…
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked