Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Worth remembering.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird