CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
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DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Van Gone
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret