her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.