There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
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I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
This was my dad’s browser history.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Every photo I’m tagged in
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is