Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
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My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
me after eating Cheetos
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken