I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Easy enough.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.