If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
🙂🙃🥹
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥