Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Put this video in the Louvre
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???