Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.