My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Bootstraps
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.