Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
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If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.