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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
それは草
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that