I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
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Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
(by @ZachWeiner )