My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
You Might Also Like
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.