My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
did it work
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*