*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch