“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
You Might Also Like
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.