One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
You Might Also Like
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything