guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
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When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de