Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Them: Just act casual
Me: