Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
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ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Netflix: We have Less
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
In Canada they just call them geese
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot