I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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concern
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I am having an out of money experience.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone