Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.