My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
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Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?