My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Hey I worked for it too!
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.