I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
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what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Extremely relatable.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.