[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Need this in my life lol
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made