People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?