OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
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I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Lmbo
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.