Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
You Might Also Like
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Camping tip: No.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
It do be feeling this way.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Lmfao
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.