Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
bury ourselves
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My inexpensive home security system…