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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I saw this ending much differently.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Love is in the air fryer.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.