My blood type is b hungry.
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we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*