Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask