My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Don’t talk down to me