Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.