Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances