Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
(Musicians.)
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me