We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
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My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.