God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
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I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.