They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.