*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.