I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
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DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives