Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him