The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
being a writer on Twitter:
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.