after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Is your wife single?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief