Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair